Sunday, January 08, 2006

Welcome to the New Year

I'm listening to: Simple Plan- Addicted

I'm feeling a bit displaced today. I was sitting at work this morning, trying to shove off credit card applications (Fruitless, frivoulous waste of time that corporate came up with.) when I got this weird feeling. You know how in different seasons you feel differently? How there's just a different scent in the air and how more obviously the weather changes. Well, I got the feeling of Summer, just that familiar aroma.

Must be wishful thinking. Or maybe I'm just going to crack soon and this is my mind's subtle signal to me. Either way it felt really nice for the whole ten minutes it lasted.

Lately I've been wondering about the future in a less romantic way. Usually, and in the past, I thought of the things I'd be doing later as purely fantasies. You know that cinamatic perspective as I move into a dingy little dorm room, the sunlight filtering through steady trees and into the windows as the camera pans left... Me putting down my bags. That kind of thing. Perfection. Executed exactly as I'd imagined. Of course I've never been so foolish to belive that those things would ever actually happen like that, but I've always allowed myself that luxury.

But as I've said, lately I've been thinking of things realisticly... And I wonder if I'll even halfway like what I'm doing later in the year. Or if I'll always just be dreaming about those imaginary, silver screen moments.

I want to live in the present, too often in my life I've escaped to glorified past memories or senarios that would never come to pass. The thing I've realized about those movie clips I've made in my head is this, they're fleeting. And after they're over... what happens then?

I guess I never have known what I want. But that's not unique to just one human being, I'm sure nobody really knows what's best for their happiness. What I do want now though is something real. In all aspects of my life really, I'm tired of waiting to live my life, I'm in it. I guess I'm starting to realize I'm mortal, and I don't want my last thought to be how I've wasted so many perfect days.

I guess what I mean by this is that I don't want to settel. I'm not really sure if I'm strong enough of a person to do that though. I guess I have to work on that, I'm tired of loosing my identity to people. I am who I am. If you don't like it... Well then I guess you're rejecting me. And that's too bad, cause I'm a great person to know.

I'm tried of being modest too.

I'm going to be more confident this year.



Anonymous Muffin said...

I suppose my major beef with college is that it is an embodiment of your fleeting silver-screen dreams. You waste so many years, and countless days, performing hum-drum, monotonous work before you can genuinely begin your life...

It would be such a waste to leave this world, and never be able to accomplish what you truly desire in life. And hell, I'll most likely be in college for 7+ years. A lot can be done in that amount of time, and a lot can be undone... :(

As for your great expectations, keep them but learn to make slight adjustments. Indeed if you pop up on the Anderson campus, you WILL have a dingy little dorm room and the lighting may be poor. But know that it won't be a suitcase that you'll be setting down, but that you'll be squashed under an enormous pile of brown boxes. Unless you're strapping on capes and flying with pigs, though, your expectations will not let you down too much. They are still pretty realistic.

And sometimes it is necessary to escape the present and entertain your fantasies. If everyone lived their lives according to their person, and lived exclusively within the confines of their physical worlds 24/7, they wouldn't accomplish much. (And they'd most likely be miserable a great deal of the time) Your silver-screen dreams are hopes of what is to come, they're what you want. A goal to work toward. And trust me, not every moment in your life will be happy. To find your happiness in those dark times, you will need to think ahead.

Sorry if I've gone off a bit. n____n;;

11:18 PM  

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